Ooh, man, I’m sorry. I completely forgot I had this in my ask box! Here’s a shitpost for you–with special guest stars Red, Edge, and Razz.
Slim regarded the three options set out on the table in front of him with distaste. “marry,” he said definitively, pointing to the maple syrup.
Red eyed him, cocking a brow-bone. “seriously? ya’d choose that sweet shit over beer? it doesn’ even get ya drunk.”
Slim shrugged. “it also doesn’t taste like it was scraped from the gutter,” he muttered, earning a snort from Red. He glanced wearily at the remaining options, the corners of his mouth turned down into a grimace. “i suppose i’d…” He shook his head in disgust, turning to his brother for assistance.
Razz only huffed, shaking his head. “Don’t look at me, mutt. I wouldn’t go anywhere near those foul excuses for sustenance.”
Edge hummed in thought, slowly approaching the table. “The real question is–which would you be able to tolerate for a single night? I suppose consuming the beer would at least erase your memory–granted you have enough.”
Razz nodded in concession. “Sound reasoning. But wouldn’t it be more satisfactory to eliminate the beer from existence? It’s a putrid drink.”
“As putrid as that greasy circle of cheese?” Edge scoffed. “I truthfully thought you had better taste than that, Razz.”
Indignant, Razz marched forward, yanking the pizza and beer can to the front of the table. “Are you honestly telling me you would rather endure the taste of warm piss in your mouth for a night than suffer a little grease? You astound me, Lieutenant.”
As Edge and Razz bickered, Red tugged at Slim’s sleeve, drawing his gaze downward. “hey, uh–how ‘bout ya forget the pizza an’ beer an’ i show ya somethin’ really worth fuckin’?” He winked casually, though a pale tinge of colour lighted his cheekbones.
Dipping his head with a small smile, Slim nodded, following Red upstairs. It only came to their brothers’ attention that they were missing when the sounds of their ‘absence’ became too loud to ignore.
Neither Razz nor Edge could deny that Slim had made a wise choice.
You should feel awful! Poor Slim has really been put through hell with this game. (Okay, I can’t place all the blame on you, anon. I did a very bad thing here. A very bad thing.)
Razz thrummed his fingers against the coffee table impatiently, watching his brother. “Well, mutt? What’s it going to be?”
Slim’s hands were clasped in front of him to stop them from shaking, and his head was ducked. “i-i…”
“Spit it out,” Razz snapped, his fingers stilling and curling into fists.
Slim shook his head, his sockets squeezed shut. “s-sans–lieutenant–i don’t…”
“Dog,” Razz snarled.
“Razz,” Blue said, his voice quiet but firm. “Stop it. You’re clearly upsetting him.”
“Blue is right, Razzberry,” Papyrus chipped in, placing a hand delicately on Razz’s arm. “It’s only a game. And I don’t think Small-me wants to play anymore.”
Razz barely spared Blue or Papyrus a glance. Shaking off Papyrus’ touch, he stood, gripping Slim by the jaw and yanking him down so that they were at eye-level. “Answer me.” His voice had dropped to a whisper, but it still stung like venom.
A small whine built in Slim’s throat, and he shook his head. “aw, c’mon, bud,” Sans said. “it’s just a game.”
“i don’t want to play,” Slim muttered, staring at his feet.
Sans, Red, and Stretch glanced at each other doubtfully. Turning to Slim, Red offered him an encouraging smile. “i’ll make it easy fer ya, kid–kill me. ya’d be sparin’ me a lot a’ grief.”
Sans snickered. “well if that’s how we’re playing, then i think i deserve a little killing too.”
“i volunteer to die and be fucked,” Stretch supplied, winking at Slim.
Slim regarded them all, deadpan. “well, since you’re all just horny and suicidal–i think i’ll just have to marry you.”
There was collective groaning from the other three.
Pro-tip: don’t play fuck, marry, kill with a bunch of depressed assholes. From this F/M/K ask meme.
Razz scoffed, crossing his arms with a smirk. “Fuck? Or just ‘lie beneath’?”
“Who says he’d be on the bottom?” Edge asked, coolly.
Sans shot Edge a grin, before turning to Slim. “marry. and hey–married couples sometimes have kids, right?”
Slim blinked, heat rising to his cheekbones. “i-i suppose…”
“heh. sweet. guess we’re fucking too.”
Slim stared at Sans, his sockets slowly widening as his blush deepened. Sans winked, and Slim dipped his head, shrinking into his jacket–but Sans could see the beginnings of a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.
Razz sneered at his brother. “Oh, pull yourself together, mutt. It’s hypothetical.” Slim’s smile faded in an instant.
Sans looked between them, frowning. Stretching until his joints clicked, he eased himself off the couch, approaching Razz. “kill,” he said flatly, pressing his finger against Razz’s sternum. Razz seemed unfazed, so Sans leaned in to murmur, “keep talking, and i’ll make sure it isn’t hypothetical.”
Thank you! This one was great to write. Razz is loads of fun. From this F/M/K ask meme.
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