I dedicate this fic to @itsladykit and @ollie-oxen-free. I hope you two enjoy this. I put a lot of hard work into it, and I really tried to incorporate your favourite headcanons!

No, but seriously. Do not read beyond the cut. You will regret it. This is really just bullshit.

I call this one Character Development:

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“stop it, boss! ouch! it hurts!”

Edge laughed maniacally, psychopathy
twinkling in his eyes as he slapped Red again, sending him hurtling across the
room like a giant, skeleton-shaped bullet. “YOU ARE WEAK, BROTHER. SO PATHETIC.
YOU DESERVE THIS BECAUSE YOU ARE SO TINY AND USELESS.”

Red screamed in fear, trying to run,
but Edge was too powerful, his natural Papyrus strength giving him too much of
an *ahem* edge over his puny brother.
Lifting Red with a single hand, Edge drop kicked his brother through the
window, just because he thought that might be amusing. He was unfathomably
cruel after all. Being a Fell universe monster and all. Where everyone was just
a massive dick. “IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE,” Fell reminded the narrator, with a
sassy lift of a brow bone in the direction of the camera. Edge released another
burst of cackling, his evil eyes
flaring with—with evil.

“EVIL PAPY!”

Edge froze on the spot, his blood
red eyes going wide—EW, he thought, TOTALLY NOT EVIL. Turning, he saw the
cute little Sans—Blueberry—marching furiously (but, cutely) down the stairs. His tiny fists were balled, and he stomped
forward, coming to stand before Edge with his hands on his hips. He was no
taller than Edge’s knee. “DON’T BE SO MEAN TO YOUR BROTHER,” he scolded,
wiggling his finger like a school teacher. “IT ISN’T NICE. I KNOW THAT IF YOU JUST
TRY, YOU CAN BE A GOOD PERSON.”

Edge nodded in thought,
considering the tiny little Berry’s suggestion. “YOU KNOW WHAT, ADORABLE LITTLE
SANS? YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. I’VE BEEN SO CRUEL TO MY BROTHER BECAUSE I
THOUGHT HE WAS A WEAKLING, BUT YOU HAVE MADE ME REALISE THAT I WAS WRONG,
BECAUSE YOU ARE SO CUTE. THANK YOU.” He lifted the Blueberry off the ground, cradling
him to his chest. “LET US GO MAKE LOVE NOW, LITTLE ONE. I WILL TOP, OF COURSE, SINCE
I AM SO LARGE, AND YOU ARE SO SMALL.”

Blueberry blinked up at him, his
eyes full of confused stars. “WHAT IS TOP?” he asked, innocently, his cheeks
round and… cute.

Edge laughed, the crazed insanity
returning to his tone of voice. “FEAR NOT, THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE PAPYRUS WILL
DEMONSTRATE. NYEH HEH HEH.” For emphasis, Edge gave a sensual thrust of his
hips, strutting upstairs with the Blueberry in his arms.

Blueberry squealed, his face
turning a very CUTE shade of cyan. “EVIL PAPY—THAT’S LEWD!”

Outside, Red landed in the snow with
a thud, before he began to bawl his sockets out. “i’m useless,” he sobbed, his
backside still aching from his brother’s mighty boot. “i’m a piece of shit.”
The sound of footsteps drew Red’s gaze upward, and he screamed in terror.

“hey, kid, it’s alright, i’m not
gonna hurt you,” said Stretch, who looked uncannily like Red’s brother. Which was.
Why he was so afraid.

Red tried to scramble to his
feet. “nooooooooooo,” he wailed, pointing and flailing at the lazy Papyrus. “don’t
hurt me, boss! please!”

“huh?” Stretch scratched his
skull, summoning a cigarette from thin air because I forgot to write in earlier
that he had one and I can’t be bothered to go back and add it in. He took a
long drag of it, leaning against nothing—lazily.
He was so cool. “just… chill, kid. i’m not your bro. here, have a smoke.”

Stretch leaned forward, cigarette
dangling from between his teeth. Red’s eyes went so wide, his sockets nearly
cracked. “take it,” Stretch said, winking.

Tentatively, Red tilted his head
forward, grasping the end of the cigarette with his teeth. In a completely
astounding and unexpected development, Stretch pressed forward, kissing Red
over the cigarette. Red moaned with sudden arousal. Fuck, this guy was so hot. “heh.
you’re so cute, red. i’ll take care of you. don’t worry about that mean, scary
edgelord. i bet my dick is bigger than his anyway.”

Red nodded in agreement. “i bet
it is. you’re way cooler than him. and i’m not scared anymore. let’s go kill
him and then fuck each other next to his corpse.”

Stretch smiled, whipping a bottle
of honey from his pocket and gulping it down in one go. “yeah dude. but first, i’m
gonna take a nap. lol.”

Red’s eyes turned to hearts, and
he jumped into Stretch’s arms, hugging him. “omg, i love you, stretch. you make
me feel safe and you don’t hit me.”

Stretch chuckled silently,
shooting a wink at the camera. “guess who’s getting laid?”

“wait.”

Stretch spun around in total shock
as Sans—the real Sans—appeared out of
thin air. “oh, hey sans. what’s up, bro?” Stretch made a hilarious pun, but it
went unspoken by the author, because she’s terrible at puns and couldn’t be
bothered to come up with one.

Sans winked, funnily. “lol. good one, stretch. but i’m actually here for him.”
Sans pointed at Red, and the camera zoomed dramatically onto Red’s expression. He
was grinning all sexily. He really liked Sans, even though he was nothing more than a Shitty
Pun Gremlin (© Ollie). After all, Red couldn’t judge. He was a mere Short Sweaty
Asshole himself (© Ollie). Sans suddenly became meek and shy, batting his eyes
at Red. “h-hi!” he squeaked, like a terrified mouse. But he was actually, like,
so turned on by the Short Sweaty
Asshole (© Ollie).

“hey, squirt,” Red said, kicking
Stretch in the ribs so that he would release him. “which is exactly what you’ll
be doing later tonight,” he whispered—loud enough for everyone in the general
vicinity to hear.

Suddenly, Stretch started to cry.
“b-but, red. i thought you and i had
something special? i didn’t even drop kick you once!”

Red tossed a callous wink over
his shoulder as he swooped Sans up in his arms. “nah, dude. you cured my
depression by not beating me up, but our time together made me realise that i
actually just hate every single papyrus in existence.” Red laughed, staring directly
at the camera. “i am like the anti-christ of lady kit. fuck papyrus. i’m so out of
character right now, but who cares? this is a fucking shitpost.” Without
another word, Red galloped into the distance, a giggling Shitty Pun Gremlim (©
Ollie) still in his arms.

Still crying, Stretch cantered
inside. Because apparently everyone runs like a fucking horse now. “i need to
find the edgelord and fuck him,” he said to himself, suddenly feeling horny and antagonistic. “this shitpost needs some
spicyhoney. because even in her darkest moments, alice can’t fucking control herself.”